science_blues: (Feather Wide)
[personal profile] science_blues
I am most perplexed. While perusing the network my PADD is attached to, I have come across a great deal of questionable humor. I have been repeatedly sent to view this and then informed that I am a newfag. While the terminology escapes me, I can only presume it indicates that I am ignorant of the virtual sociocultural infrastructure.

In an effort to avoid being a newfag, I have sought out the guidelines for proper behavior within the confines of this network. Inevitably, I found The Unofficial Official Rules of the Internet.

It appears to be a compendium of approximately 666 sequential guidelines (680 including integers, imaginary numerals, and Roman notation), with an appended 22 additional, non-sequential requirements and informative suggestions. Though many of them are contradictory and self referential, as far as I have been able to gather, there are a few which I feel prudent to share. As Jim KirkConscientious associate of Spock indicated that there would be several confused, displaced persons who required similar information, I will share this in the public forum.



Herein, I have compiled the most useful or frequently referenced (in my experience) rules. They have been organized by numerical order, for convenience.

1. Do not talk about /b/.
2. Do NOT talk about /b/.

- Though rules 1 and 2 would be, presumably, the most important rules on the listing, I have yet been able to ascertain what, exactly, /b/ is. In theory, this lack of knowledge would imply that these rules are very strictly adhered to. Therefore, it seems prudent to list them, even if they are generally unrelated to standard moral conduct.


8. There are no real rules about posting.1


11. All your carefully picked arguments can easily be ignored.2


26. Any topic can be turned into something totally unrelated.2


27. Always question a person's sexual preferences without any real reason.
28. Always question a person's gender, just in case it's really a man.
29. On the internet; all girls are men, and all kids are undercover FBI agents.
30. There are NO girls on the internet.

This is a curious assortment of rules. It appears to be very common place for one person to irrationally question the gender or sexual orientation of another person, despite the topic of conversation. I have attempted to cross reference with other anthropological studies in an effort to determine the instigating factor, but found little within the sphere of Human historical reference.

Once expanded to Andor, however, I discovered a commonality between this treatment and the electoral college of their late 12th century. The corollaries are most fascinating. I may publish my findings should I be able to collect further data.



31. TITS or GTFO - the choice is yours.

Given the insistence that there are no women on the internet, I find this ultimatum to be strange. However, since I am a woman and I discovered this ultimatum over the internet, I can only presume that it is a rhetorical quandary representative of the ambiguity of the anonymous state.2



32. You must have pictures to prove your statements.

The overarching requirement for representational evidentiary support is encouraging. I had not initially presumed this to be a scientific community, but this rule insinuates such.


44. Even one positive comment about Japanese things can make you a weeaboo.

I am uncertain as to what, precisely a weeaboo is, however such arbitrary stratification is worthy of note.


45. When one sees a lion, one must proclaim "JEZUS CHRIST" and get into the car.


48. A cat is fine too.


51. No matter what it is, it is somebody's fetish. No exceptions.


52. It is delicious cake. You must eat it.
53. It is delicious trap. You must hit it.

Many of the rules on this list are self contradictory, but these two indicate a moral quandary. The general freedom of selection offered by two conflicting statements of absolution is something I had never seen outside of the teachings of Surak. It is most intriguing to find such philosophical depth in this rudimentary social guideline.2


58. It needs more Desu. No exceptions.


60. It needs more pumpkin. No exceptions.


63. There are female versions of all male characters. No Exceptions.3


71. The internet is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.2


73. If there isn't enough just ask for MOAR.


80. Ebaums did it. No exceptions.


81. Anonymous is a virgin by default.


82. Nobody tells the truth on the Internet.
84. All rules aren't true, including this one.

Another set of conflicting rules that inspire deep contemplative thought. Most remarkable.2


86. The term "sage" does not refer to the spice.


88. Anonymous rules the internet. No exceptions.2


96. If you express astonishment at someone's claim, it is most likely just a clever ruse.

See Rule 32.


99. All numbers are at least 100 but always OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND.2


104. The internet is for porn.2


110. If your statement is preceded by "HAY GUYZ", then you're doing something wrong.

Obviously this is indicative of the general adhesion to proper grammar and politesse on the internet. It is a useful reminder, though not specifically unique.


111. If you cannot understand it, it is machine code.


117. Always go out of your way to make n00bs feel uncomfortable.


118. Newfags must be tortured to death. No exceptions.


134. If it talks, you must shut it up.


152. They didn't call you retarded but they were thinking it.


153. It's funny to pick on people's grammar no matter how good it is. No exceptions.4


154. The louder you scream at people the harder someone else will laugh.


170. None of us is as cruel as all of us.


172. Use inside jokes moar. It upsets users.


218. Porn must only be looked at when porn is needed.2

See Rule 104.


226. If a statement may be taken sexually in any way, then she already said it. No exceptions.


244. It's not possible to understand it, and when you do understand it, then it's even worse.2


329. You always should like waffles.


340. People on the internet don't care for your sympathy all they want is your pride.


341. The internet is like a cake, which is like an onion, which is like an ogre.

See Rules 52 and 53.


342. If God made us and we made the internet then god must love porn.


379. If they see you rollin' they will start hatin'.3


469. Knowing is half the battle.


537. Proof is not required when evoking rules. No exceptions.



1 - This rule is quite possibly contradicted by the following rule as it implies there is a consequence for inappropriate action. Rule 9. There are no real rules about moderation either -- enjoy your ban.

2 - Theological arguments of such depth are not frequently found embedded within societal normatives. The inherent contradiction within the statement forces the listener as well that the medium through which he/she/it is experiencing the information to interact in a fashion beyond the simple exchange of information. Fascinating.

3 - Rule 569. AMIRITE?????

4 -




If there are any further, essential rules which should be appended to this list, I would greatly appreciate a suggestion.
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